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THE LURE OF 



DEAD MAN'S 

immad Other Verse 



li^nyfe, Logic aod Laughter 






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CDEffilGHT DEPOSm 



Tlie Lure of Dead Mans Rock 

And Otlier Verses 



Life 

Logic 

Laughter 



By 

FRANK R. CONLEY 
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Printed 

By 

HARR WAGNER PUBLISHING CO. 

San Francisco 

1916. 



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Copyrighted 
1916 
Frank R. Conley 



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DEC 20 1916 



©CU453iai 



DEDICATION. 

This work I dedicate to you, my fellow-man, as an effort 
to smooth a portion of Life's cloddy trail, e'er we wend 
towards the end. If this, my humble effort, will inspire, or 
have an influence to dispel a portion of Life's dull care, my 
ambition has reached its highest attainment. 



"»..: 



INDEX 



Success 7 

The Lure of Dead Man's Rock 8-9-10 

When You're Down 11 

To Kitty 12 

To the Girls 13 

You 13 

The Call of the Road 14-15 

Expensive Gild 15 

Don't Buck 15 

A Borrowed Tribulation 16-17 

When You're Hustling 17 

Don't Wait 17 

Reverie 18-19 

Small Talk 19 

The Harlot 20 

Don't Ridicule 20 

The Song of the A. B 22-23 

Memories of Youth 24 

Reflections 25 

Self Pity 26 

Love's Tragedy 26 

Price 27 

Time, the Healer 28 

Try It ..- 28 

In Memory of Jack London 28 

Consolation 29 



Don't Knock 29 

Favor 29 

Human Flower 29 

Durante Vita 30-31 

Life's Game 31 

Cheerful Thoughts 31 

The Country Store 32-33 

Love Lyric S3 

The Holdover 34-35 

Envy Not 35 

Self-Esteem 3^ 

Social 37 

Silence 37 

Anger 37 

Trouble 38-39 

Be a Man 39 

Love's Letter 40 

After All 40 

Joy 41 

And Gloom 41 

Cheerfusness 41 

Nature 42 

A Kindly Deed 43 

The Day of Rest 43 

A Wedding Day Tribulation 43 

His Phantasm 44-45 

Live Now 45 

Lend a Hand 46 

Manage Right 46 

Smile and Grin 46 



In the Park 47 

Life's Wealth 48 

Equality 49 

Faded Coat 49 

Moral? 49 




Life, Logic and Laughter 



SUCCESS. 

Help me Oh, Infinite Power, 

To assist my fellow man. 

Grant me strength 

Peace and plenty 

To extend a kindly hand 

Where all misery, stress and sorrow 

Where his plane is want and woe 

Hear my plea, Oh, great intelligence 

Let me aid them, ere I go. 






THE LURE OF DEAD MAN'S ROCK. 
A fog was driving and swirling in through the Golden 

Gate, 
As I took my way to "Dead Man's Rock," alone to 

commune with Fate, 
My heart was sad and aching for the things that might 

have been, 
And I hoped for consolation, in the breakers thundering 

din. 

But their mighty voices filled me with a dread fore- 
boding ill, 

And the spray that should have comforted, my marrow 
seemed to chill. 

They fairly overwhelmed me for they seemed to say 
to me. 

The only peace in all this world is the bosom of the 
sea. 

8 



Life, Logic and Laughter 

I drew closer to the rugged edge better to hear their 

moan, 
A\'hen above the din and the dripping spray came a 

sound — a human groan, 
It pierced me like a two-edged knife, it burned like a 

scorching flame, 
And I drew far out on that crumbling ledge and saw 

from whence it came. 



There on the rorks below me, lay a battered, bleeding 

heap, 
That had felt the call of the luring waves and sought 

for rest in their deep. 
But her strength had failed in the effort to end her 

worldly care. 
And just beyond reach of that promised rest she lay 

broken and suffering there. 



I forgot my cares in a moment, no longer was I 

afraid. 
The only thought that filled me was a thought to 

render aid, 
I worked my way o'er the clifif where the spray beat 

down like rain, 
I only thought of the one below, the woman who 

groaned in pain. 

By the aid of the Power Almighty, I reached the spot 

where she lay. 
But her moans had ceased, and the broken form seemed 

only a heap of clay, 
Then her blue eyes slowly opened and I knelt to catch 

a word, 
And above the din of the ocean her trembling voice 

I heard. 



Life, Logic and Laughter 

''O, Brother, of my flesh and blood, I ask in Christ's 

dear name, 
That you will help these goodly waves my broken 

body claim, 
I am sick of this world and its folly, I am sick of its sin 

and woe. 
And I long to go to my Maker, O Brother! help 

me go! 

She ceased to speak, but her pleading eyes they pierced 

me through and through 
I glanced again at her broken form, and did as she 

bade me do, 
And as her body sank from sight 'neath the crest of 

a mighty wave, 
I felt she had found a wondrous rest in that cold and 

briny grave. 

But when I stopped and began to think, I trembled, 

half afraid, 
For I wondered if Almighty God, would sanction the 

part I had played. 
So I knelt and prayed, as best I could, there on that 

dripping stone, 
I asked for peace for the woman's soul, and mercy on 

my own. 

And as I prayed, the thundering waves for a moment 

seemed to lull. 
And through that blinding bank of fog sailed a beautiful 

snow white gull, 
A feeling of peace came unto me as plaintively it cried. 
For I felt that God in his mercy, my deed had justified. 
[Great are the number of tired souls who pass into oblivion 
yearly at this Rock, Dead Man's, Land End, Golden Gate, San 
Francisco, Gal.] 

10 



Life, Logic and Laughter 

WHEN YOU'RE DOWN. 

When you're broke and up against it 
And you can't scrape up a sou 
When you hike o'er all creation 
Without a bite to chew, 
When you're sick at heart and weary 
And all slack fades off your chin, 
Just muster up your metal 
And grin it back again. 

When you try without a falter 
And you miss a time or two. 
When dismay and useless worry 
Seems to have the best of you. 
When everything seems dreary 
And you think it not worth while 
Just try and view the brighter side 
And cheer up with a smile. 

When the winter winds are crimpy 
And your summer clothes are thin 
When your shoes are naught but uppers 
And the damp is seeping in, 
When foreboding facts are telling 
Hearken not, their wailing call, 
But gladden with a happy thought 
Just smile and face it all. 

If you have your health and freedom, 
With a blessing which is Life, 
If you view all things of beauty 
Which are void of worldly strife, 
If you bless all Nature's glory 
Which surrounds you near and far. 
You will live your life serenely 
And naught on earth can mar. 



11 



Life, Logic and Laughter 



TO KITTY. 

All blessings, the dearest and best, 
All beauty, all grand, all blest. 
All holy, all glory, all good. 
Is your pure and sweet womanhood. 



12 



Life, Logic and Laughter 



TO THE GIRLS 

Discard your frown, dear girlie, 
Let worry all flitter from thee, 
Be sweet, be cheerful, and happy, 
And your smile will kidnap the bee. 

As a girl who ever is smiling, 
Will attract a beau to her side, 
Like a magnet, she ever can hold him, 
If her smile is winsome and wide. 

Live ever with Joy and a sunshine 
And don't wear your face in a gloom, 
As I understand and most every man. 
All beauty of blossom is bloom. 

Now girls, if you follow this logic, 
If you side track all worry and gloom, 
You will find your chance is a wonder, 
To capture and hold him till doom. 



YOU. 

Just try a chat with you. 

And ask thee a question or two, 

When you think about life, 

And each daily strife, 

The trouble, which maybe is you. 

Whene'er you feel glum, 

And trouble has come, 

Just wonder, and w^onder to thee, 

If much of your life 

Could be ridden of strife. 

If you figure and analyze me. 



13 



Life, Logic and Laughter 



THE CALL OF THE ROAD. 

When Spring is here and spreading all her glories o'er 

the land, 
And you feel something acalling, just get wise and 

understand, 
'Tis the voice of Mother Nature asking you to shake 

the load, 
And to beat it for the highway, and to hit the open 

road. 

You can hear the screaming whistle, as the flyer leaves 

the yard, 
She is bound for somewhere eastward, I am on that 

flyer, Pard, 
No! I didn't buy no ticket, as this way is best to blow, 
With all stop over privilege, just suits a care-free Bo. 

The job I left in 'Frisco would have last until the Fall, 
But I quit the very minute the road began to call; 
I bunched all work and worry, and slackened on the load 
To be once again a pilgrim, out up on the open road. 
Sometimes we're nearly worried by the corporation 

slave, 
Who just keeps on atoiling till he's planted in his grave, 
But we smile at all misfortunes, when ditched from off 

a train. 
We garbage up and take a blow, till on our way again. 

Again we aroused from slumber by some village Sher- 
lock Holmes, 

And warned by Moral Judges, with a small town shiny 
dome, 

Who say we have no legal rights, and onward we can go 

To somewhere else. Oh, never mind, cares not the 
happy Bo. 

14 



Life, Logic and Laughter 

When e'er you see a happy Bo, pass through your own 

home town, 
There is motive in his madness, and he cares not whence 

he's bound, 
But often if you'll heed him, he will spring old Nature's 

logic, 
That lines of least resistance are void of Mental Colic. 



EXPENSIVE GILD. 

When you view the rich who flitter, 
Swiftly pass in big machines. 

Envy not their well-paid passage — 
Gild is seldom what it seems. 

They must pay for all Life's frolic ; 

Tone of worry is their price. 
Cease to envy, oh ! my brother, 

Nature damns their avarice. 



DON'T BUCK. 

Whene'er you play a game of chance, 

And your luck is quite ungainful. 
Quit until another day. 

Dame Fortune Gods are changeful. 
If your stakes are swiftly fading 

And the other's bank is high. 
Then you have no chance whatever — 

Quickly tell the game good-bye. 
You will find 'tis ever certain. 

When you buck another's game, 
You will lose your kale and reason — 

If you play, you are insane. 



IS 



Life, Logic and Laughter 



A BORROWED TRIBULATION. 

Farmer Jones was optimistic, his smile had won renown, 
As he would shout a loud Hello! at home or in the 

town. 
Whether in the winter storms, or in the summer sun, 
He was a killer of old gloom with his bazoo of fun. 

Now folks all say he's changing, and he has a look of 

care, 
And now he spreads a lot of gloom around most here 

and there. 
It's because he made a dicker and traded ofif his team 
To a slicker from the city for a gee'd up auto-chine. 

Everything went lovely for about a week or two; 
When plugging home one evening the dog-gone front 

tire blew, 
And he up and had to hoof it. It made him boil with ire 
Because the city feller hadn't told him 'bout the tire. 

And when he lost the axle, and he broke the steering 

gear. 
And he blew an inner tube, which was awful, awful dear. 
But again he got her started — she died on the railroad 

track, 
And he couldn't budge her forward, or he couldn't budge 

her back. 

He pulled and then he struggled, then madly spun the 

crank. 
And then an idea happened — no gas was in the tank. 
When he heard the tootin' whistle of the local overdue, 
He stepped back with a quiet dam and let the local 

through. 



16 



Life, Logic and Laughter 

Neighbor Jones is now asmiling, his glee is same as old, 
'Tis when he drives to market his laugh is loud, I'm 

told. 
And if you look for bargains, just ask him 'bout his car, 
And all his gloom will stir again and give his smile 

a jar. 



WHEN YOU'RE HUSTLING. 

When out for a job, keep cheerful and plod 

Over each clod of a doubt; 
Keep a stifif upper lip and hold with a grip 

Your nerve will help you win out. 

It will boost you a lot if you gird to the plot, 
And cling to your courage and zeal. 

If you say with a grin, I surely shall win, 
Then you're made of metal that's real. 



DON'T WAIL. 

There are some on this big planet 

Who spread naught else but gloom ; 
They wail all pessimistic gab 

From morning until noon. 
They sing aloud all bitter grief, 

And misery is their name; 
If whom is thus could hear their fuss, 

They would bloom out in shame. 



17 



Life, Logic and Laughter 



REVERIE. 

As I stand on Market street, 
Hasty humans pass and fleet, 
And I ponder how this throng 
Live and eat and get along. 
Countless laste in endless bunches, 
Rushing, maybe, to their lunches; 
What a hoard of different faces. 
Mostly all of different races ; 
Steady is this tide of woe. 
Pass me, and I wonder so. 

I now can see the lame and cripple. 
Now a maiden sweet and flckle. 
Then a layman of the race, 
Now a winsome, girlish grace ; 
And a fellow on the bum, 
Faster, faster, others come ; 
Now a has-been chances by, 
I can only gasp and sigh. 
Why are all these faces there, 
Flitter pass me, as I stare? 

I see many who are wealthy. 
And I notice they're unhealthy. 
Young and foolish, old and gray. 
In this tide on Market way. 
Such an endless, mad-like throng. 
Passing, crowding, moving on. 
Scheming, planning all the time. 
Chasing dollars, song and wine. 
Living, breathing, rushing past. 
And I ponder, mad this class. 



18 



Life, Logic and Laughter 

Noise and clanking of car bells, 
Extra! Extra! newsies' yells; 
Now a bursting auto tire 
Stirs my soul to bitter ire. 
Now the wind is blowing, gee ! 
And all eyes are strained to see 
Beauty of the legs, *'0, Gee !" 
Now the sun is sinking yonder, 
I must come from out my ponder, 
Coffee and, and I must eat, 
And I fade from Market street. 



SMALL TALK. 

Idle gossip is quite a waste. 
And you will find this true, 

So take a tip and think a bit 
E'er you gab and chew. 

As often times a noisy bird 
Will sing and sing away, 

And hawk is ever waiting 
On foolish bird to prey. 

I have heard some noisy people 
Stand and chatter silly bunk. 

And in disgust I felt such fuss 
Should go its way as junk. 



19 



Life, Logic and Laughter 



THE HARLOT. 

I am a human derelict, 

I float, I drift, forsaken; 
I am a victim of man's lust — 

My soul for gold is taken. 

All who come, and all who go, 
Can face the world untainted, 

But I in shame must e'er remain 
In degredation painted. 

All social laws have open flaws, 
And we alone are smitten. 

And ever blamed in open shame — 
No lustful creed is written. 

Man's creed is might and ever right, 

'Tis we who earn bare living, 
But ever yield in social field 
'Neath ban of Fate's misgiving. 



My lot of all, 'tis bitter gall, 
'Twas women's idle slander. 
When baby died all loudly cried 
My sin in gossip's bander. 

'Tis every day, in each life's play, 
You'll find each in good reason. 

Why blame a life of shameful strife. 
Because of some man's treason? 



20 



Life, Logic and Laughter 



DON'T RIDICULE. 

When a man looseth his money, 
He will often laugh at the fun ; 

When a man looseth his temper, 

He will hunt low and high for a gun. 

When he works in a shop 

Where it stinks and 'tis hot, 

There is naught a gag to these ills ; 

But there is one thing 

Your laugh with a sting 

Will dishearten him and kill. 



TRY. 

Grab and hold to high ambition 

With a firm and steel-trap grip, 
When you feel your efifort failing. 

Don't pay heed to failure's slip. 
If you wish to reach the summit, 

You must grin, and not say die- 
Gird your idea to your courage. 

And you'll get there if you try. 



21 



Life, Logic and Laughter 



THE SONG OF THE A. B. 

Yo, ho, for the navy and briney, 

The beans, the corned beef and stew ; 

When the duff is thin in the pudding, 
'Tis best for the gobs of the blue. 

Hi, ho, for the call of the bugle. 
To spread first mess of the chow; 

Hurrah for a ration of plenty. 
When mates are sick in the bow. 

Yo, ho, for the crew of the gallant. 
Of the topmast when reefing in sail, 

And lo for the lubber who shaketh 
When aloft are nervous and pale. 

Hurrah for the skipper and boatswain, 
Who rave when clearing port; 

Hi, lo, for the joy of the sailing 
After landing and playing the sport. 

Oh, joy, for the balm of the ocean, 
When the dome is throbbing in pain. 

When aboard for a week or fortnight, 
Till we land, and sick up again. 

Yo, ho, for a seafaring skipper, 

Who sticks on deck with the crew, 

And to hell with a pifle commander 
Who cannot gaff some of the stew. 

Hi, lo, for the life on the briny. 

When a skipper is damned like a dog, 

And hell is best for a seaman 

When the Cap is feeling his grog. 



22 



Life, Logic and Laughter 

Hurrah for the cruise of the Mystic, 
To China and Philippine Isles, 

Hong Kong for yellow she-devils, 
Shanghai for the Japanese smiles. 

Hurrah for the hula and dancer, 
And each little move is a dream, 

After weeks of salty mid ocean, 
Oh, joy, what a beautiful scene! 

Yo, ho, for the dust of the ocean, 
'Tis the joy of seagoing crews ; 

The smell of seaports' corruption 
Will sicken and give him the blues. 

Hurrah for our modern new navy, 
May never our colors go down ; 

We wish our best to all others — 

The yellow, the white and the brown. 

My song and ballad is over, 

'Tis best of luck, sailor lad ; 
Stay and honor Old Glory forever. 

She's best in the lot to be had. 



23 



Life, Logic and Laughter 

MEMORIES OF YOUTH. 

How well do I remember the ranch where I was born, 
Also those happy days we woke early in the morn ; 
Dad milked a dozen cows or more, and "gee' how he 

would swear 
When Bess would switch her tail around and fill the 

pail with hair. 

How well do I remember our proud old Plymouth cock, 
His shrill would clamor out at 4 as regular as a clock. 
Those boyhood days down on the farm, oftimes we 

woke too soon, 
We'd feed and harness up the mules in the pale glim of 

the moon. 

I remember back those youthful days, we'd haul the 

fresh cut hay. 
And the music of the dinner horn, and how old Pete 

would bray. 
It was when the heat of summer's ray would ripe the 

harvest prime. 
How dad would rave and roust about to get the hay in 

time. 

The stock and mother's chickens were most our joy and 

pride. 
We'd show them at the county fair, 'twas forty miles to 

ride. 
And I would own a nickel, to squander in one place — 
Poor dad would never grumble when I spent in foolish 

haste. 

Those blissful boyhood days are treasured in my soul, 
And mental pleasures I enjoy I value more than gold. 
'Tis since I left the old home fortune favored all my 

chance. 
With love I still remember the folks down on the ranch 

24 



Life, Logic and Laughter 
REFLECTIONS. 



Your compensation of a favor is your own concep- 
tion. 



Spite is mental disease. 

An unkind word is never worth while. 

A game of dead loss is hate. 

Selfishness is an unclever exposure of the inner self. 

Worry is the most deadly poison known to science. 



Conceit is blissful and energetic endeavor of ignor- 



ance. 



Envy is useless waste of mental vitality. 



25 



Life, Logic and Laughter 



SELF PITY. 

Pity in itself is no value, 

And most useless to all man, 

The most damned thought 

A man ever wrought, 

Self pity, he should put the ban. 

You can size them up in this instance, 

When they wail and cringe about self. 

Just shake him and drop him the instant 

He only whimpers in stealth. 



LOVE'S TRAGEDY. 

Dan Cupid one day in a threatening way 

Aimed at me his love poisoned dart, 
But I dodged just a bit and it missed me and hit 

My best friend square through the heart. 

Yes, it nailed my friend Paul tight up to the wall; 

Two weeks and he wed the brunette. 
Though it now has been a year, she still calls him deai 

And say, he is happy, you bet. 

When next Cupid's dart was aimed at my heart 

I dodged not, but stood like a man. 
And, well, to be frank, I drew out a blank. 

And I've wished ever since I had ran. 

The very first night we started to fight — 
She's as quarrelsome and mean as can be. 

Though it now does no good, I wish I had stood 
And let that first arrow hit me. 



26 



Life, Logic and Laughter 

PRICE. 

Did you ever stop to ponder 

About the price you have to pay, 
For every Httle side step 

From the straight and narrow way ; 
How every gilded pleasure 

Has its compensating price; 
So it's best to stop and ponder 

E'er you throw the luring dice. 

When the boys are clinking glasses, 

With a whoop-um up to you, 
And are getting very reckless 

On the old Kentucky dew, 
Think not only of the pleasure. 

But the head you'll have next day; 
You will have the fun, that's certain. 

But the price you'll have to pay! 

If you're longing for a girlie. 

With a bright and flashing eye, 
And your inmost soul is craving 

For what your gold will buy. 
Just weigh things in the balance. 

And perhaps the scales will say 
That the momentary pleasure 

Isn't worth the price you pay. 

No matter what the game is. 

Whether women, wine, or song. 
If your troubled conscience tells you 

Of the danger in the wrong. 
And experience has not taught you. 

Then take a fool's advice — 
If you grab the fleeting pleasure. 

You must also pay the price. 



27 



Life, Logic and Laughter 



TIME, THE HEALER. 

When the storms of life seem dreary, 
The clouds are dark and blue, 

It is well to ever remember 
There is sunshine yet for you. 

Time will change all present sorrow, 
And does heal all wounds of woe; 

To be patient for God's sunshine, 
'Tis a virtue we should know. 



TRY IT. 

At times when you are sad and weary. 
And your mood is dreary and blue, 

Smile with the glory of Nature, 
And joy will come unto you. 



IN MEMORY OF JACK LONDON. 

Sleep 
Thou Mortal of the Pen 
Whose thoughts live on 

Comfort 
Be Thine, where Life has fled 
From earth and Flesh. 

Rest 
May Thou, wxary Frame 
From tire of Life's last clod 

Repose 
Immortal Soul, in flight 
To Eternity and God. 



28 



Life, Logic and Laughter 



CONSOLATION. 

\Mien you're really up against it, 

And you're hanging around the park, 
When your chance is rather gloomy, 

And you're kinder sick at heart, 
Just cheer up with a smile ; 

When you're broke and sort o' blue, 
There are others that surround you 

Who are up against it, too. 



DON'T KNOCK. 

Speak not an evil unkind word 
Behind your neighbor's back, 

The hammer of a knocker's slam 
Rebounds with tenfold whack. 



FAVOR. 

A kindly deed is ever blest, 
'Tis well to bear in mind, 
All kindness unto fellowman 
Returns in future time. 



HUMAN FLOWERS. 

All beauty we view which is blest, 

A mother with babe on her breast, 

God's gift from above, 

Such flowers to love, 

The dearest, the kindest and best. 



29 



Life, Logic and Laughter 



DURANTE VITA. 

In the land of gay Bohemia, 

San Francisco, we will say. 
Where the cafe lights are bright 

And the crowds are glad and gay, 
There I met a winsome girlie 

In the same Bohemia style. 
All she spoke was woe and sadness 

As my help she wished to wile. 

I was very sympathetic 

And did wish to kindly aid, 

And I listened to her story 

About the room rent to be paid. 

I grabbed hook, line and sinker, 
With a tear drop in my eye; 

Now I wish that I could reason 
How sweetly she did lie. 

She told of a little girl 

With curls so cute and brown, 
And a dark and vicious villain. 

Who was husband, out of town. 
I could barely stay my weeping. 

When her twinkle I did spy. 
But she finished all her chatter. 

So niftly she could lie. 

Where the cafe's lights are bright. 

And the fox trot is the style. 
The girls will surely kidnap 

Any change that's running wild. 
And it's best to stop and ponder, 

E'er they spring their tale of woe 
Just beg pardon in a jiffy 

And take powder they call blow. 



30 



Life, Logic and Laughter 

This moral with a lesson 

Points to a fact or so — 
The girls you meet 'neath cafe lights 

Are clever chicks who know. 
All suckers and live lobsters 

Are snared in many ways, 
They spread their nets quite cleverly 

For suckers, boobs and jays. 



LIFE'S GAME. 

The rich, the poor, the honest, the thief, 
All play the cards of Love and Grief; 
When the deals in life are filled with bumps, 
Then Death deals last and spades is trumps. 

So take each trick and smile away, 
And scatter sunshine all the day, 
As each and all will wan and fade, 
And each will draw an ace — the spade. 



CHEERFUL THOUGHTS. 

When you wake from out your slumber, 
Grab and hold a cheerful thought. 

Entertain and feel it ever, 

Cast the mold as iron wrought. 

If you follow this example. 
When you first begin the day. 

You will find your life congenial 
If you strive to start this way. 



31 



Life, Logic and Laughter 



THE COUNTRY STORE. 

We sit around the country store, and holler 'bout hard 

times, 
And talk high cost of living, how it's climbing like a 

vine; 
Abe Scroggins howls the loudest, and he's always on the 

floor, 
While the hay is spiling on his place, he's hanging 'round 

the store. 

And there is old man Simson, he's generally got a holler, 
When he's raving and a-squawking he gits hot around 

the collar; 
When he's kicking about the hired man, a-shirking and 

won't work. 
And he's always at the country store a-flirting with the 

clerk. 

And there is young Bud Thomson, a-pestering for his 

mail — 
When there ain't no mail for 'im he grumbles out a wail. 
He's been asking and a-bothering, the past two years or 

more, 
And he never gets a letter, yet he hangs around the 

store. 

There is old man Skinner, he's as regler as the clock, 
Awarming up a keg-o-nails, amongst the steady flock; 
He always chews terbacker, and he spits out through 

the door. 
And whittles on the cracker box until they close the 

store. 



Z2 



Life, Logic and Laughter 

There is our country trading place, you'll find a girlish 

grace, 
She attends to all with courtesy, with smiling, blushing 

face ; 
She really is quite winsome, with her blue and roguish 

eyes — • 
They swarm around the country store, ''Molasses draws 

the flies." 



A LOVE LYRIC. 

How, dear heart, I fondly loved you, 
When your lips with love I kissed. 

How my aching heart did gladden 
When I knew Life's heavenly bliss. 

You returned my kiss with fervor. 
And you thrilled my lonely soul; 

I shall love you ever, constant, 
I shall cherish you and hold. 

Since then life to me is splendor. 
For my dreams of you were blessed, 

When your love for me you sanctioned 
As I pressed you to my breast. 

All my joy shall be eternal. 
When I love you, only you, 

I will hold you now and ever, 

With all love most fond and true. 



33 



Life, Logic and Laughter 

THE HOLDOVER. 

Friend Galleger was a bridgeman, so it is understood, 
He rated with the best, his foremanship was good ; 
And liked by all the comrades, as he freely spent hi"^ 

kale, 
So come you, Brother Bridgeman, and you will hear 

this tale. 

It was on a Monday morning, the sun was shining 
bright, 

And Jim was trying hard to think what happened Sun- 
day night. 

There came hazy recollections of a fair and winsome 
blonde, 

And a myriad of cocktails, and wine with catchy song. 

His nerves were loose and shaky, and bloodshot was his 

eye, 
He chanced into a nearby shop and drank a jolt of rye. 
He dug into his jeans to pay, but found that he was 

broke, 
And lo! he found a paper, and this is what she wrote: 

"I have seen most all the boobs, you are the greenest 

yet, 

And you were such an easy rube, you are too dumb to 

fret." 
He soaked his pin to the mixer and tried real hard to 

laugh. 
Then he drank another whisky to cool his inward wrath. 

Then he hurried out the barroom, as it was time to 

work. 
He felt a trifle nervous, but he didn't wish to shirk. 
And as he tripped across the beams his head was in a 

whirl — 
He thought of all his lady friends, but he could not 

place the girl. 

34 



Life, Logic and Laughter 

He was pining for a schooner, and he longed to blow the 

foam, 
But madly grabbed the rivet gun and drove a rivet 

home. 
'Twas then the heater threw one, it hurtled through 

the air, 
And Jim, he reached to get it, but rivet wasn't there. 

It caught him on the forehead, with a hissing, scorching 

sound, 
And then he lost his balance and fell headlong to the 

ground. 
'Twas seventy feet or over, and he landed on his bean, 
His clock clanged loud 6:30, and all this was Jim's 

dream. 

It was really Monday morning, the sun was shining 

bright, 
His kale was in his pocket, and his heart beat high and 

light. 
So the moral of this lesson, boys, is save your health 

and gold — 
Youth and strength we have not ever, the future we are 

old. 



ENVY NOT. 

Let each sunshine of a morning 
Bring you light of honor's might, 

Let no trouble we meet daily 

Swerve you from the just and right. 

Envy not your fellow human. 
Grant your good to one and all. 

In your path you'll find less sorrow, 
And you'll drink less bitter gall. 



35 



Life, Logic and Laughter 



SELF-ESTEEM. 

If you have a longing yearning, 
To reach some higher goal, 

If you feel desire burning 
In your very utmost soul, 

You can have whate'er you're craving. 
You can reach the heights afar. 

Or can keep right on a-slaving. 
And remain just where you are. 

Just cut loose and give ambition 
At least a fighting chance. 

Dispel doubt and superstition. 
Command courage to advance. 

Yes, it takes some self-denial, 
And a lot of steel-bound nerve. 

To face each separate trial. 

Nor from your purpose swerve. 

Get and cultivate the habit 

Of the smile that's on to stay — 

When the chance is offered, grab it. 
And keep on your upward way. 

If you see some fellow falling. 
And fear you, too, may slip, 

Though your doubts may be appalling, 
Stick and hold with iron grip. 

Self-esteem brings elevation. 

Matters not what you have been, 

Use your vim and concentration. 
And whate'er you want you'll win. 



36 



Life, Logic and Laughter 

SOCIAL. 

There is nought more worthy of mention, 
Or nought more costly or best, 

Than a social good time with your neighbor, 
When the cups are flowing with jest. 

When the other will spring a good story, 
Then your laughter is bulging with zeal , 

But oh ! what a head in the morning ! 
And oh ! how rotten you feel. 

And when you have taken the ice cure, 
When you're o'er the rough of the gaff, 

If you figure the cost of the venture, 
You will find how dear is the laugh. 

SILENCE. 

When you chance into a barroom,^ 
Where the drinks are foaming high, 

Place the stopper on your bazoo, 
For he who talks must buy. 

When your cash is low and ebbing. 
And your friend does loudly chin. 

Agree with him on every subject, 
When you drink his beer or gin. 

Let him rave, and tell his story. 

Listen to his untold glory. 
Stand the test if you are dry, 

Let him talk if he will buy. 

ANGER. 

After an outburst of anger has fled, 
After those bitter words were said, 
Be just to the other, and reason it out, 
If you were to blame, don't figure the doubt. 
■" Z7 



Life, Logic and Laughter 

TROUBLE. 

While I was at the country store an auto car hove up, 
All covered o'er v^ith mountain dust from out the rocky 

cut. 
The driver wore a look of gloom and asked for gasolene, 
And grumbled out a tale of woe of parts he had to clean. 

Down the road a mile or two the engines sizzled scat, 
The magneto wouldn't flicker, when the front tire 

busted flat. 
The crank shaft went contrary, and he lost the rear 

wheel, too. 
And when he reached the country store we heard about 

the stew. 

Well, auto cars are nice to have, and ride and gad about. 
But the horse is different color when the gasoline is 

out, 
And you're forty miles from nowhere, and it's up to you 

to hike, 
'Tis then your sentiment is high, and all machines you 

like. 

When I was at the country store Abe Skinner's team 

hove in. 
And Abe was smiling on the face, and cheerful was his 

grin. 
He talked of all the home folks, he was satisfied with 

life, 
To hitch his team up to the post, and have no engine 

strife. 

But after Abe had chinned awhile he has his troubles, 

too, 
A wheel to fix, the team to shoe, and other things to do. 
Then he flittered in a frenzy from out the country store 
To tell the village wagon smith his troubles were a 

score. 

38 



Life, Logic and Laughter 

There is moral in the logic, laugh last, which is the best, 
As everyone has trouble, your smile will stand the test, 
For he who owns the auto car, oftime the tank goes dry, 
And he who owns a team of skates, the dern things 
often die. 



BE A MAN. 

When misfortune lands you hard. 
Be you rich, or poor, or bard. 
Keep your nerve and face it bold. 
Straighten up and let 'er roll. 
Face the music as it stands, 
Smile and bear it like a man. 

When your luck is running rough. 
And the pickings kinder tough. 
Stand the test of life's old gufif; 
Do not cringe, and say enough. 
Throw your nerve against the wheel. 
Be a man, and do not squeal. 

When you owe a bill or two, 
Don't let trifles worry you ; 
Drop around and say Hello; 
If you wail, or show a streak. 
They will damn you, so to speak. 
Hold your head up, straight and high, 
Be a man and game to try. 



39 



Life, Logic and Laughter 

LOVE'S LETTER. 

How, dear one, I long to love you, 
And to press you to my breast. 

And to love with all affection, 
With a tender, fond caress. 

As your wealth of golden sunshine, 
And your smile, I love most dear. 

Thrills my soul with all devotion. 
And I wish you ever near. 

I shall wait with lover's patience, 
With a love most kind and true, 

Until future grants all blessing. 
To love, dear one, just you. 

Time cannot change my devotion. 

True love can never die. 
When hearts beat full in rapture, 

Each throb does bind and tie. 

'Tis when we meet as equal, 
On plane of human love, 

Love's spark is bright with hope, 
As stars that shine above. 

'Tis love's own pure devotion 
Which brings us joyful bliss. 

And binds forever heart and soul, 
When strengthened with a kiss. 

AFTER ALL. 

In life we love, we strive 
To do which we think best. 

And after all, of love, and life. 
We pass to doubtful rest. 



40 



Life, Logic and Laughter 

JOY. 

Don't you like to meet a fellow 

When you're feelin' kinder blue, 
Who gives and shouts a howdy, 

Hello, Bill, and how are you? 
And he says you're fine and dandy, 

And he's glad you're feelin' well, 
Then you also smile with gladness, 

Though before you felt like hell. 

AND GLOOM. 

But when you meet a fellow 

Who's Hello is a wail. 
And he tells you all the gloomy. 

And you're looking kinder pale, 
'Tis then you have an aching 

To tell this kind to blow 
To the land of fiddler's harmony, 

Where snowballs have no show. 

CHEERFULNESS. 

All cheerful thought is ever best 
'Twill add to all life's pleasure, 

It comforts sick and dreary souls. 
And gives each woe a treasure. 

Practice, cultivate and build 
A cheerful, smiling nature; 

In all you do and all you say. 
Speak kind, your nomen-clature. • 

Happy, cheerful thought is best 

To hold and not forget. 
The way to do is ever try, 

Don't worry, and don't fret. 



41 



Life, Logic and Laughter 

NATURE. 

How quiet and serene we find the country life, 
Away from all congestion of the city's daily strife ; 
Where all nature smiles its glory in a friendly sort of 

way — 
To the country and to nature is the call we should obey. 

The stock is in the meadow a-grazing loose and free, 
And all life here in the country seems contented as 

can be. 
With the balmy evening breezes in the autumn and the 

fall, 
In the country we find nature and the best place 

after all. 

The chickens here are tranquil, and know all nature's 

law 
Of scratching for the wily worm to satisfy the craw. 
But often you find people who are hunting all the time 
To get the worm for notjiing and won't loosen on a dime. 

When the evening sun has settled on the fields of har- 
vest ripe, 

And our peaceful day has ended when comes the mask 
of night, 

We don't scamper to the picture shows, and rush back 
home again. 

But we spend a restful evening, just as nature did in- 
tend. 

Mother Nature is most generous to those who will obey, 
But the city folks seem heedless to what she has to say. 
They always look for something, and nothing will 

return — 
In the country Nature speaks, to scratch and get the 

worm. 



42 



Life, Logic and Laughter 

A KINDLY DEED. 

It's the little acts of kindness 

Which make our life worth while, 
And little acts of mercy 

In every form or style. 
'Tis ever best and pleasing way, 

Twill gladden you and I 
To spread a ray of sunshine 

In life as we chance by. 

THE DAY OF REST. 

'Tis Sunday, let beautiful thought 
Rejoice and love which is brought, 
Let comfort and peace rule serene, 
And thank Him whose law is supreme. 

The bell in the old tower rings. 
Let us heed the symbol it brings ; 
Let men and beast alike be blessed. 
This day of peace, of life and rest. 

A WEDDING DAY TRIBULATION. 

Two hearts were tied as one today, 
And wedding bells did ring, they say. 
But alas ! 'twas sad when happy groom 
Must work or starve on wedding noon. 

We wish them well in future life, 
A thousand fold less woe and strife. 
And future bring all joy and bliss 
To heal the lovers' thrill they missed. 

Young lovers now must think 'tis best 
To snug a feather in the nest; 
Thus mates may take a happy flight 
To realms sublime on wedding night. 
[Author's Note — Groom's duties called him at 10 o'clock 
after an 8 o'clock ceremony.] ' 

43 



Life, Logic and Laughter 



HIS PHANTASM. 

Upon a mountain's lofty crest, 
Gazing out into the glowing West, 
Where the sun has slowly sunk to rest, 
Stands an Indian, mute and still. 

He does not see yon mountain range, 
Or the evening shadows shift and change. 
He sees a sight that is far more strange, 
And that brings to his heart a thrill. 

For there in the sunset's golden glow 
Are phantoms of days of long ago. 
The years fade out as melting snow, 
And he is a child again. 

He sees his painted warrior band 
Ready to strike at his command, 
Once more he is master of the land, 
Master of hill and plain. 

Wafted upon the evening air, 
He hears a sound that is far more rare 
Than songs of the Indian maidens fair, 
'Tis the warriors' scalping song. 

He sees the white man's wagon train, 
Broken and burned upon the plain. 
He sees the white man scalped and slain. 
But feels he has done no wrong. 

But now in his visions the soldiers come, 
He hears the bullets' deadly hum. 
He hears the bugle and the drum. 
But he scorns the white man still. 



44 



Life, Logic and Laughter 

Mounted on ponies desert bred, 
With arrows draw to the sharp fllint head, 
His braves ride out to meet the lead, 
With war cry loud and shrill. 

But oh ! those volleys of rifle ball, 
He sees his bravest warriors fall, 
And his cup is filled with bitter gall. 
He has fought a loosing fight. 

He sees the remnants of his race, 
Crowded together in meager space, 
He sees his women in disgrace. 
But the white man's might is right. 

Slowly the light fades from the skies 
And as it fades his phantom dies, 
A new light comes to his wan, worn eyes, 
Life is not, worth living now. 

Over his being there comes a chill. 
His worn heart flutters and then stand still, 
But into his soul there comes a thrill. 
He has gone to the grand pow-wow. 



LIVE NOW. 

Rejoice each moment of life, 
As life is all we possess, 
And live at this time. 
Let joy be thine. 
Today is ever the best. 



45 



Life, Logic and Laughter 

LEND A HAND. 

Let us help a bit the other 

As we live from day to day, 
All have tons of tribulations, 

None are barred from trouble's sway. 

Often times in each life's pathway. 
Misfortune comes to one and all, 

And each cup is overflowing 
With life's bitter brew of gall. 

Let us help and comfort others 

As we pass along life's path. 
We can ne'er tell the moment 

Fortune's smile will turn to wrath. 

MANAGE RIGHT. 

An aged man I chanced to meet, 

And thus he did recite, 

I will tell you, Son, 

All life is fun, 

If you will manage right. 

I found this true in every way. 
All which we do or say, 
To think and smile, 
When we are riled. 
And life will spell O. K. 

SMILE AND GRIN. 

A smile and a grin, 
Will help you to win. 
In all you do or say. 
So cultivate the smile. 
It is ever worth while, 
And a grin does ever pay. 



46 



Life, Logic and Laughter 



IN THE PARK. 

I view once again, dear, 

The pleasant cozy bower, 
Where you and I in days gone by, 

Have passed a bHssful hour. 
In the shadows of the moon, 

We loved, and kissed, and spooned, 
And I hope you still remember 

Those balmy days of June. 

The time is not forgotten. 

We know and understand. 
How you sadly said nay, nay. 

When I asked you for your hand. 
I spoke in heroic fashion, 

And swore I would be true, 
And all the world I'd win 

And give to you, just you. 

Father Time has changed my sorrow. 

The stars shine bright above. 
And I 'neath the cozy bower 

With another turtle dove. 
I have asked in heroic fashion. 

In the soft, endearing tune, 
And she said nay, nay, quite sweetly, 

The same as you last June. 



47 



Life, Logic and Laughter 



LIFE'S WEALTH. 

Your mother, who nursed you and loves you, 
Who suffered and brought you to light, 

Let us glory, we love and adore her 
With a love most noble and bright. 

Our sunshine of God and all nature 
Smiles ever and beckons to you. 

With all wealth of tidings most blessing 
Life, ''alone," is wealth Ave pass through. 

Most blessed is each daily pleasure. 

Our breath of the air which we breathe, 

All glory is yours for the taking, 
So live and love ere we leave. 

Dispel your idea, dear neighbor. 

That money will buy you all things ; 

It is only a borrowed convenience, 
And often much trouble will bring. 

Greed is most deadly and damned. 

And sinful are passions of lust, 
Oh, brother, why are you so hasty 

To transform your all back to dust? 



48 



Life, Logic and Laughter 

EQUALITY. 

The poet, the prince, the duke, the peer, 
All are equal in trouble here ; 
For through this life all drink the gall. 
And Death is sure, and each will call. 



FADED COAT. 

Many a throb and beat 

Of heart, true and sincere. 
And many a love of kindliness 

Lies hid 'neath faded gear. 

Judge not a fellow human. 

Where you view his ragged coat. 
You may not know what good there is 
Inside his soul is wrote. 



MORAL? 

The early bird has better chance 

To snare an early worm 

'Tis so, with you and I 

And if early we rise 

We may be surprised 

If we get out and try. 

The early birds must hustle 
And clever bird must be 
To flee the roost 
And cut right loose 
And scratch and dig to see. 



49 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



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